I loved youI still do
by MillaMaxwell12
Summary: Modern AU! -Merlin finds Arthur cheating on him. Before Arthur, Merlin had a boyfriend before, but was abused, raped, and injured severely and plus he had depression badly. But Arthur helped him through and they got together." Warning:It mentions depression,cussing because of song. Lyrics belong to Gnash "I hate you I love", Tragedy, Slash
_This damn argument! Why? Why, do you have to hurt me so damn much, Arthur?_ I grabbed onto my hair, tears fall onto my bare feet as i dig my toes into the soft white rug in the living room, and i dig my nails into my scalp. The tears stopped for ten seconds till I lifted them up and saw our photo framed broken on the floor.

I walked towards it and saw the glass around and then suddenly everything crashed and i felt my knees weakened and I dropped onto the floor by the glass. I picked the photo framed up with shaky hands as glass still dropped in front of me. I clutch it and the tears pour out of me again and they landed on the photo in front me. _I watched you, but never have you noticed me but you only saw her in front of you….you only see her...have you realized that not once, since we have, no, were together, that you never said, 'I love you'. Not once not even when i confessed. I hate you, but...I love you._

I got up with shaky and wobbly legs and through the photo across the open, empty living room and it shatters against the now broken mirror. _I feel used,_ Once i thought of this, i look at the time and it was an hour before work. I turned around and walked towards our, no, my room, leaving the glass, mirror, and the photo of us smiling at each other lovingly, and shut the door of the bedroom and towards the bathroom.

Half an hour before work

As i walked out of the bedroom, i went into the kitchen and put on a song of sad jazz. I went to a covered where my rum was, got out a glass, and poured a drink of fireball into it and sipped it, feeling the bitter, and burn down my throat. I leaned back, having my left arm across my chest and my right above, holding out my glass, as I choked back a sob. "Damn you", I whispered under my breath and tears started to run down my cheeks silently.

I closed my eyes, trying to hold them back but they continued to fall. I set my glass on the counter, turned the music off, grabbed my keys, phone and wallet by the door. I looked back to the broken, but turned around, opened the door, walked out and shut it behind me and locked it. I leaned back on the door, closed my eyes for a second, breathed in a sigh, and walked down the stairs, passing the other apartment doors. I called a taxi as soon as I stepped out.

"Where to, sire?" As i slipped into the taxi, looked up into the mirror as i shut the door.

"Oh, to 'My Kin'." I said, as he he nodded.

I looked out to my side window and leaned my side temple onto it as i watched the dark ash clouds starting to pour. As i watch the drizzle of rain come down, i also watch people pass, starting to pull out their umbrellas and people running to work, home , or fun. Silently, the tears came down again and this time I let them. I was the my breath fog up where i breathed out and though back to the argument.

Two hours before

 _I walked towards our apartment and saw the lights on. I smiled and thought of Arthur. 'He's home!' I smiled at the thought again and opened the door. I dropped my keys, wallet, and phone into my side of the bowl and walked into the kitchen, humming as i put the groceries up silently. I looked back at the small table where the bowl is by the door, and saw the photo framed turned, and faced down. "Hmm.."_

 _I walk towards it and picked up the photo frame and smiled at the picture. I touched the picture lightly as I lovingly smiled at it. I giggled when I remembered what happened. "Awe, Arthur. You're telling me to leave, already?" I heard a giggle from the bedroom and frowned._

" _What the?" I silently said as i walked slowly towards the bedroom while clutching the framed photo. I stopped dead tracks as i saw the door ajar, staring at t Arthur who smiled i a smitten way and holding a light chocolate skin with curly black-brown hair._

" _Yes, you have to leave, Gwen. Merlin, is suppose to come back from grocery store." He said as he turned her around till she's sitting on his lap and kissing her neck while she's wearing his dress shirt._

" _Gwen?" I breathed out suddenly, shaking uncontrollably, as I watch my very first close friend and my boyfriend and best friend, holding her closely like she's the love of his life. I walked slowly backwards into the kitchen trying to control my tears. But also listening to their talk as they dress, and clutching the photo in hand._

" _Oh Merlin. Right...umm are you going to tell him about us, Arthur?"_

" _I might. I might not. I don't know. I just...I..ever since he confessed to me, gwen, I was happy but now, I...just feel bored with him now. I can't feel anything for him. He was my best close friend but now a boyfriend..but I...I think, I don't like him anymore, not as a best friend or a boyfriend. To tell the truth, I'm in love with you, Gwen. I love, and since the day I met you, I thought of your smile and laugh."_

" _Oh Arthur! I love you two, and since the day I met you too. But you should really tell him though, Arthur. You are the love of his life, you've been there when nobody could get him out of his last boyfriend and the depression he had. But you should also know, that if you don't tell him, I'll leave you, and to also to tell you the truth, I also love lance too, you know."_

" _I know, but wait for me please?" I heard him beg._

" _I will, but only one more day." She said._

" _Of course! I love you, Gwen, forever and always." I heard him say and his voice sounded happy._

 _I ignored her reply and started to cry harder than ever. 'I can't believe this….Why? What did I do wrong? Did I bore him that much? Am I not a human that isn't worth the love of anyone else? ...This...he never loved me..he never said, 'I love you' to me...doe he even give a damn about me? Does he even know, that this is killing me slowly?'_

 _I heard them walk out and walked towards the door, said. 'I love you's" and "Goodbye's" and lastly a kiss. Then the door shut. I heard him also turned around and I did the same._

 _I looked up and saw his head the side with a smile till he saw me in front of him and his perfect, crooked teeth dropped into a shock and he breathed in a word, "Merlin…"_

Present

"Sire..Sire, we're here." The driver said and saw he looked into the mirror at me.

I nodded as i tried to push my eyes and willing my tears to stop. They stooped but I'm still shaking. When I got my wallet out, the driver declined.

"No sire, you can keep it." He said when he turned around shaking his head.

"But-" I said but he interrupted me when i was willing to give the driver the money for the ride.

"No, son. You looked you were have a bad day, looking at your tears, eye's, skin tone, and the nose. There red and you skin is a horrible shade of pale than a healthy pale. Keep the money, I don't need it." He said with a sympathy voice.

I was shocked of his bluntness and voice. I took my hand back, and put the money back into the wallet. I looked back up at him and noded but thought, _his voice is deep with a little rumble and his features remind me of a dragon_. I shook my head and looked at him again with a wobbly smile.

"Thank you..Thank you,sire." I said, he smiled sadly, noded, and turned away to the front. "Bye, sire." As i got out of the taxi.

"You're welcome, and goodbye." He said as a closed the car door and watched him drive off. I look up at the clouds and saw it's nighttime and it's still raining hard, I stand here while my eyes are close and letting the rain hits and soaks me. "Merlin, its….are you alright?"

I turned around and saw Morgana who opened the door with her hand clutch a towel to her chest. I noded my head butt my eyes told a different story and she saw it but doesn't say anything but shakes her head sadly. I walk towards her and followed her inside. She turns around and kisses my cheek like I'm her little brother.

"Get yourself dried, Merlin. I don't want you to catch a cold." She hands me the towel and I started to dry my hair but then she lifts her palm and cups my cheek. "I-I..I'm sorry, about Arthur. He's my little brother, but I should've…"

I shook my head as little droplets slide down my face and onto the palm and floor. "I..It doesn't matter. I..I just guess, It isn't meant to be. I hate him, but I love him still and always." I look at her sadly and grabbed her palm, squeezed it, then push it to her side. "Anyway," I put a shaky smile on, "I'll sing tonight. Is Arthur and Gwen, coming? And the rest?" I aske.

She noded, "Of course but I believe Arthur doesn't need you to love him but, it's you and you wouldn't be you if you didn't have a heart. Also Gwen I think fell in love with the wrong prat but, oh well." She tries to lighten the mood and tries to smile a little. I saw her eyes looking at my wrist and i brung my arms behind my back to clasp my hands together. Her frown gets deeper. She looks up, "Plus nobody will ever miss your singing, Merlin. We love it too much."

I smiled as we changed to topic and I begun to dry by arms and front. "Of course you do. I'm just an entertainment pet for you guys." I laughed as she did,

"Of course, and knowing you," She winks and I blush, "you're an accident that can't wait to happen." She walks away laughing.

I laughed with her till she disappeared behind the back and I stopped. I stopped what I was doing, the now soaked towel dropped with a plop and I frowned. _It's true though, I'm an accident….I feel lonely...I want to be loved...that'll never happen to me anymore._ I walked away towards the other back and cry leaving a soaking towel on the floor behind.

Two hours later

I hear the crowded people already here and I wait backstage for my time to go. I look forward and saw my group laughing but I can see, their eyes tell a whole different story. I saw Gwaine drinking a whole bottle of rum and barely talking. _I'm sorry...I'm sorry for everything. But don't worry guys, after this song,_ i felt tears coming out if my eyes, _I'll be gone from your lives, because all I do, is cause misery and people turning against each other._

I walk up the stage when they called me. I went up to the microphone as i try to hold back the tears. I moved my hand inside my pocket feeling the knife and the weight against my hand and I breathed in a sigh. I close my eyes, squeezed them and opened them to speak.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to sing like you guys request last week. But this song is total different than I usually sing. I won't give give the title of the song away but to give a heads up, for those who might cry," I look at the group as I saw there puzzled expression. I saw Arthur, who look like was about cry because of guilt. _I...I..never mind_. "This song is dedicated to the man I love who..who-who broke my heart. In this song, the lyrics I'll sing is true of everything." I look behind me and gave the my signal. I look back and and stared at Arthur.

 _Feeling used_

 _But I'm_

 _Still missing you_

 _And I can't_

 _See the end of this_

 _Just wanna feel your kiss_

 _Against my lips_

 _And now all this time_

 _Is passing by_

 _But I still can't seem to tell you why_

 _It hurts me every time I see you_

 _Realize how much I need you_

 _I hate you I love you_

 _I hate that I love you_

 _Don't want to, but I can't put_

 _Nobody else above you_

 _I hate you I love you_

 _I hate that I want you_

 _You want her, you need her_

 _And I'll never be her_

I closed my eyes as I started the cry again, _It seems I can never stop crying today and tonight._

 _I miss you when I can't sleep_

 _Or right after coffee_

 _Or right when I can't_ _eat_

 _I miss you in my front seat_

 _Still got sand in my sweaters_

 _From nights we don't remember_

 _Do you miss me like I miss you?_

 _Fucked around and got attached to you_

 _Friends can_ _break_ _your heart too, and_

 _I'm always tired but never of you_

 _If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit_

 _I put this real out, but you wouldn't bite that shit_

 _I type a text but then I never mind that shit_

 _I got these feelings but you never mind that shit_

 _Oh oh, keep it on the low_

 _You're still in love with me but your friends don't know_

 _If you wanted me you would just say so_

 _And if I were you, I would never let me go_

I wipe try to wipe the tears furiously but they wouldn't stop.

 _I don't mean no harm_

 _I just miss you on my arm_

 _Wedding bells were just alarms_

 _Caution tape around my heart_

 _You ever wonder what we coulda been?_

 _You said you wouldn't and you fucking did_

 _Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking_ _fix_

 _Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed_

 _Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing_

 _Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance_

 _I know that I control my thoughts, and I should_ _stop_ _reminiscing_

 _But I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings_

 _When love and trust are gone_

 _I guess this is moving on_

 _Everyone I do right does me wrong_

 _So every lonely night, I sing this song_

I look at my group and saw them astonished and Morgana looks ready to kill her younger brother and Gwen, _Oh sweet Gwen, I love you as a dear friend...but I- I can't...I can never be you...and be loved…_

 _I hate you I love you_

 _I hate that I love you_

 _Don't want to, but I can't put_

 _Nobody else above you_

 _I hate you I love you_

 _I hate that I want you_

 _You want her, you need her_

 _And I'll never be her_

 _It doesn't matter anymore, I love you Arthur…_

 _All alone I watch_ _you watch her_

 _Like she's the only girl you've ever seen_

 _You don't care u never did_

 _You don't give a damn about me_

 _Yeah all alone I watch you watch her_

 _She's the only thing you've ever seen_

 _How is it you never notice_

 _That you are slowly killing me_

 _I'll always miss you but you should know, that this, is goodbye…_

 _I hate you I love you_

 _I hate that I love you_

 _Don't want to, but I can't put_

 _Nobody else above you_

 _I hate you I love you_

 _I hate that I want you_

 _You want her, you need her_

 _And I'll never be her_

I snap my eyes away from Arthur and look forward at the people and saw them cry. I breathed in a sigh and smiled shakily, took out the pocket knife. I heard gasps and people standing up. I look at my- their group and smiled sadly and saw them running towards me but arthur is beat them and saw him yell my name, "Arthur, I hate you and I love you. I know, everything is my..my fault but i'm sorry, so I'll make it better for you guys." I raised my arms and stabbed my chest.

I heard a couple screams but among them, I heard Morgana's. I felt like i was falling forward but I felt a hand grasp my wrist and tugged my backwards landed on my back and my head on thigh. I gasp while blood drips down the corner of my mouth. I look up a frighten, scared, guilty looking Arthur but I couldn't hear him then i saw Morgana in my view and being scared and getting upset. I saw others as well but I still can't hear them. I look up at Arthur and said, "E-e..ven i..f I'm dying with you g..guys by m..y sid..e….why do..I-i..feel….so lone..ly?" I saw they were shocked but the last thing I finally heard was..

"MERLIN!"


End file.
